Where You lead me...

As we watch life come back to the empty branches and fields, it seems something is blooming in me. Borders in Greensboro is closing its doors, which simply means that - along with a couple dozen others - I would no longer have a job there. After some serious conversations with important people, prayer, and reflection, I decided to leave before the official closing date and embark on an adventure in cultivating the expressions of my soul. Let me unpack that a bit:

Since high school, I have been writing music, short stories, poetry, etc., and always knew that somehow writing would be a part of my life. Then in college, I started writing more academically, and had dreams of publishing Christian articles/books as part of my contribution to the continuous conversations we should be having about God and our faith. So, in short, I'm going to try to do that. For two weeks I have tried to do as much preliminary stuff as I needed to so that when I left Borders I could jump right in. Although it is proving more difficult than I anticipated (hence me writing a blog post and not an academic article), I will not be swayed so easily.

Yesterday I realized that a year and a half ago, God called me into the position at Borders. I was quite vocal about the times it felt like a terrible idea, and humbled by the times it positively impacted my life. There were many days I wanted to walk out the doors and never come back, pull some kind of JetBlue stunt. But I guess I was resolved to remain until I felt called to something else. A company filing bankruptcy may not officially be a sign from God, but it certainly was a little push to hear His voice more clearly. So now I feel called to something different, and I will continue with that until I feel called to something else. It is very scary to not have that income, especially in the midst of a lot of other life changes and transitions, but somehow I have peace and perseverance to see where this goes. There will be plenty of updates on my progress or lack thereof (as well as my book progress which you will be updated on at the end of the week so check back). Anyway...back to work...

Where You lead me, I will follow.

Expecting the Least Expected

During my senior year in college, we had a departmental gathering where the seniors and professors enjoyed a meal together followed by a time for conversation. That night is something I will treasure forever. It makes me giddy just remembering it. We had a vague theme for the night, "Accidental Roads," and each professor shared a little bit of their journey through college, seminary, careers, etc. The wisdom and insight they shared is as fresh in my mind as it was that night. The common thread in their stories, which matched the theme, was that they all had an experience which (seemingly) altered their direction. Here is a brief example: Dr. Curtis was set to graduate from seminary when he was told he would be one credit short. Although frustrated, he knew he could just take a course in the summer and graduate in August. So he scanned the summer course catalog for what sounded the easiest and allowed him the most time to play golf. What he chose was a course on pastoral care. Little did he know that the course required a nearly full-time schedule of chaplaincy hours at the local hospital. He didn't play much golf that summer, but he did discover what he wanted to do for the next several years of his life. Dr. Curtis teaches Spiritual Formation, Pastoral Care, classes on dealing with grief and death, and gave me my first opportunity to experience chaplaincy firsthand. Never in a million years would he have been able to anticipate the accidental road life sent him on, but it was his road nonetheless, fulfilling the desires of his heart.

I fear that I am too in tune with this particular type of phenomenon. It seems that any time something new happens in my life, my mind instantly jumps to, "Maybe this is the thing that turns life upside down and shows me my true calling." It ranges from big events to small ones, like yesterday when I bought a biography of Isaac Newton. On the way home I thought, "This sounds like one of those events...I buy the book because it sounds cool, then I fall in love with Newton and physics, go back to college, get a physics degree and work in science the rest of my life!" It feels like a mental condition I should be able to take pills for. Then I fall into more fear that if I guess it, then it's not an unsuspected thing, and therefore won't happen. I hear them readying the straight jacket now...

I am so eager to do the work that God has prepared for me. I firmly believe that I am in the place I am in for many reasons, and one day I will see how some of it played out and be amazed at His Hand. Looking intently is not bad I suppose, so long as it doesn't make you miss the experience of the present.

Jan: Television Corporate Executive or Spiritual Counselor?

It was one of those days where you wake up with a headache that never really goes away, you have a lot of things on your to do list, and you're pretty sure getting out of bed was your first mistake. Maybe it wasn't quite that bad, but it certainly had that feeling at the time. Between the end of one job and the start of the next, I found myself with about an hour to catch my breath. I fell face first into the couch, fumbled about for the television remote, and scanned channels until I stopped on an episode of The Office. The women of Dunder Mifflin were all in the conference room with Jan (though I'm not sure why since I joined the program already in progress), and Michael had taken the men down to the warehouse for some sort of wacky bonding experience. Jan asked each woman to say something they feel they are good at, and when it was Pam's turn, she said she was good at art and would like to get back into it. Jan mentioned a program that the company offered on graphic design based out of New York. There was a back and forth between Jan and Pam with the former pushing the program and the latter giving reasons/excuses why it wouldn't work. Jan was being unusually supportive and helpful, but Pam was very reluctant and unsure. Finally, Jan cut Pam off in mid-sentence and said,

"There's always a million reasons not to do something."

In some ways I hear that conversation happening between my head and my soul. I feel moved by a variety of different work, but all of it requires a risk - sometimes financial, sometimes emotional, sometimes my pride. So my soul screams out for me to step out in faith, but my head rattles off a list of reasons why it is too scary, too risky. Too often my passions are restrained by the fear of failure. Could there be a way to set aside my need to make everything fit into a nice logical box and just set free my ideas and creativity to see what happens? At some point everything we know as commonplace started as a radical new idea. How did they face the opposition? How did they have the courage to take the risk? To simply show up and see what happened?

From my own feelings and the thoughts of those close to me, it seems that taking that leap would be better done sooner than later. Either way I feel my courage and faith growing, and though my fears remain strong, they are losing their prominence in my heart. Maybe it is not, "How can I take such a risk?" But perhaps it is more, "How can I risk not knowing?"

Several years ago I captured this feeling as best I could in a song entitled "You of Little Faith." It is based on Matthew 14:22-33. Perhaps if the above made little sense, this will help. Peace be with you.

You of Little Faith by Michael Kuehn

Resolution Progress - Month 2

Things continue to move in the right direction, by which I mean I am still reading. February brought some challenges with it, but I am proud to say I have not abandoned my goals as it is so easy to do in the second month. Here is what happened in month two:

C of N #2: Prince Caspian

The Echo Within - Robert Benson

C of N #3: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (in progress)

I did not enjoy Prince Caspian as much as I had anticipated, but in the last few weeks it has grown on me. What helped to make that shift was primarily doing some reading up on the imagery and allowing time for further reflection. I have really started to identify with the way Lewis doesn't simply allow his characters to instantly become leaders, and consequently they do not immediately exhibit the appropriate character traits in times of need. It takes many years for leaders to be made, and I am appreciating that more in my own life, and thus have enjoyed the process for those in Narnia.

Some of you may wonder if this will become a Lewis/Benson project instead of reading a variety of things, but I have an explanation. See, Robert Benson is one of my favorite authors, and I also happen to have a slightly personal connection to him which I may explain further in a future post. Actually, I know I will because he has another book on my list, so when I read that one I promise to explain. But his two books I have read this year have just happened to be on subjects I felt appropriate to start off with. The first was on prayer, which I wanted to read because it is fundamental to our lives. The next, The Echo Within, is about vocational calling. I think it was appropriate to read about prayer first, so that when it came time to really think on vocation, I would be better equipped with deeper (and more frequent) communication with God. As I try to digest all that was said, one thing is very clear: vocation is about being alive and being present. It reads a lot like a memoir or autobiography with some broader conclusions and suggested tasks sprinkled along the way. I love the way he writes, and I love the way he thinks. Although I don't feel like he revealed some huge secret about vocation, I do feel that I can better think and discuss the subject, and I have a positive attitude and greater faith that God will see things through to their ultimate good completion.

So far in Dawn Treader I am ashamed to say that I have identified with Eustace quite a bit. That's enough revealing information for one post. Wish me luck in the third month.

You can also follow my progress through goodreads, a great website that allows you to have a personal virtual library. Just search for my name and ask to be my friend, then you can see how far along I am on the current book of choice, see updates to my reading lists, and just have an all around great time. Hope to see you there.

Moments

Every once in a while a moment happens. It's a smell, a place, a shirt, a song. Things that were become as real as the things that are, and you are drawn into them, or perhaps overtaken by them. Inside these fleeting moments we are reminded of where we have been, the obstacles we have overcome, and the way things used to be. I have come to know these moments as sacred. Nearly all of the events of my life are in the past, so when the present calls out to the depths of my soul and draws forth these memories, I consider it very significant. The best we can do at any given time is live out of all that we hold true within. And what we have within is the truth of what we have lived, the people we have known, the places we used to go. These sacred moments beg us to listen to our lives; they are trying to remind us of our story.

A moment happened to me not long ago. Flooded with sights, smells, and feel of things that I used to know, I became still, silent. Some moments bring hope and strength. Mine was the other kind, the ones that are a brief personal funeral for what was and never can be again. It was a time when things were better. That is not to say that things have been worse from that point on, but that they will not be the same. I was overtaken by the faces of people I will never see again, though they did not say goodbye, by the images of places where I used to be known, by the unmistakable feeling that I am older now and that "how it used to be" will forever remain in these moments, and in these moments alone. As sad as these things can be, I still consider them sacred. To lose sight of that is to lose sight of me, my story, and my future. We must lean into the changes, embrace the tragic gap between ending and beginning again, and listen intently to the echoes of our souls.

Resolution Progress - Month 1

One month into my decision to read the Chronicles of Narnia (and a few others along the way), I can confidently say that I have made good progress. Here is the list and current status:

C of N #1: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe - C.S. Lewis

In Constant Prayer - Robert Benson

A Short History of Nearly Everything - Bill Bryson

C of N #2: Prince Caspian (in progress)

I'm not sure I have actually ever completed three books in one month, so I'm really rather proud. Reading LW&W was good, but it is the one I know the most. I'm really looking forward to the rest of the series since they are essentially brand new stories to me.

Benson's book focused primarily on the notion that we are to "pray without ceasing." His personal and honest style of writing made it very accessible and a delightfully enriching read. Benson heavily suggests that we turn to the ancient tradition of the Divine Office, or Liturgy of the Hours, in order to work towards constant prayer. Loved it.

Bill Bryson is the author of some hilarious travel books, including A Walk in the Woods and In a Sunburned Country. However, Short History... is a dense exploration of what we believe the universe to be made of, who helped us get to that place, the science involved and how it was invented, and where perhaps we are headed. I may post another blog entirely on this book because it really got some stuff bouncing around in my noggin. Worth a look if you have a stomach for that kind of thing.

For now I hope to keep up the pace in February and get through a couple more. In unrelated news, I'm going to build furniture. That's all for now. Goodnight.

The Engagement

Just a little over three and a half years ago, Hazel and I were standing under a sunset sky in a park in her High Point neighborhood. We sat on the swings, talked about a variety of things, and I taught her to dance under the emerging stars. In between shy glances and mildly flirtatious banter, I think it is safe to say we both fell head over heels for the other. I was charming, she was beautiful. A more perfect night had never been known. That night we decided to officially become a couple.

Fast forward to January 11, 2011. My work and her classes were cancelled due to the inclement weather. So I told her I would take her to lunch, but first I wanted to truly have a snow day by throwing snowballs and the like. After cleverly guiding the conversation towards my ultimate goal, we decided to go to that very same park where it all began, and she had no suspicions of my intentions aside from indulging the little boy I still am inside. As I wandered around the park turning the ring box over and over again in my pocket, she snapped photos of the winter wonderland, and eventually of me. Not being one to turn down a good photo shoot, I put on my best GQ face and started posing. "How about this?" I said. "And this? Oh and this one!" Finally, I turned and faced her and said, "One more...," while pulling the ring from my pocket, "How about this?" A few pictures were snapped just as she looked up from the viewfinder. This was no camera trick. First a gasp of disbelief, soon followed by a sweet squeal of joy, and then a loving embrace. Posing turned to proposing. Taking pictures turned into a picture perfect moment. "Three years and seven months ago," I whispered, "we stood here and danced and decided to be a couple. Now, in this exact same spot, we can mark the next step in our adventure."

I was still charming. And she was, and is, more beautiful than ever. I dare say that day was more perfect than that night years ago. Though we know not where this adventure leads, it is by faith and love that we walk together with confidence in the plans the Lord has for us.